Kelly's Class
by scott has a pole up his ass
Summary: Kelly has to teach a class about sex, which raises some questions and alot of torture, especially when he gets an unexpected visitor


Senator Kelly looked around the Bayville High school twelfth grade health class. He could not believe that he was actually teaching this class. But it made him look better in the eyes of the public, and as a politician what he needed to do was make himself look good.

The only problem was that the whole brotherhood and most of the X-men were in this particular class. He thought it was going to be a long day for him. No correction, he knew it was going to be a long day for him.

"Are yah gunna talk, or are yah just gunna stand there starin' at us the whole time?" Rogue asked, impatient.

Kelly just stared at her, intensely, as if he was trying to bore a hole through her skull, but of course she had met worse stares and it wasn't affecting her at all.

"Rogue, I think you like broke him." Kitty said attentively.

"Good, he used to give us detention for the dumbest reasons." Lance said, Pietro, Fred, and Todd nodding in agreement.

"Shut up you hoodlums!" Kelly yelled at the six of them.

"Are you allowed to call us hoodlums?" Kurt asked, confused.

"I don't know, is he allowed to tell us to shut up?" Todd asked.

"Oh shut up you muties!" Duncan yelled, and then muttered about them being complete idiots.

"Says the guy who got held back." Pietro rolled his eyes.

"Muties is a very derogatory term." Evan scowled.

"He doesn't know what derogatory means." Rogue rolled her eyes, getting chuckles from the mutants in the room.

"Shut up all of you!" Kelly yelled, and went up to the board, "Now today we will be talking about…umm."

"Sex, genius. This is a twelfth grade health class, what else we would be talking about." Pietro said from the back of the room.

Kelly glared at the silver haired mutant, who just smiled in response, and said "Yes…what he said."

"Sex, it's a three letter word, it's not that hard to say." Evan announced.

"Do you zhink he even knows what it is?" Kurt asked.

"Yes I know what sex is!" Kelly yelled, then realizing that the people in the room were looking at him oddly he straightened up and fixed his tie and said "Now, sex is when two people…you know…they…..and yeah."

"Something tells me that he doesn't like know what sex is." Kitty chirped.

"Ah'm untouchable, and ah think ah could do a better job of explaining this." Rogue shook her head.

"Listen, I know what sex is. Now I'm supposed to be telling you not to do it before your old enough." Kelly said, glaring at Rogue and Kitty.

"Bonjour mes ami's!" Remy said, strolling into the classroom.

"Who are you?" Duncan asked.

"You don't know who I am." Remy glared at him, causing the big bloke to gulp.

"Yeah, Swamp Rat he already said that." Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Your name is Swamp Rat?" Duncan asked, getting him a look that said you're an idiot from everyone in the room.

Kelly started banging his head against the wall. Then realized that he was going to be interviewed soon and if this didn't do well he might not be able to serve another term.

"Sir, would you please leave, I am trying to teach a class here." Kelly said.

"You're not doing dat good of a job of it." Remy shook his head.

"He really isn't, he hasn't taught us anything about sex." Lance agreed.

"Dats because he probably doesn't know what sex is." Remy shrugged.

"Zhats vhat ve vere saying." Kurt threw his hands up in the air.

"Listen you little brats, I know what sex is!" Kelly yelled.

"Yeah, then quit stalling and tell us already." Rogue challenged him.

"Alright, sex is when two people-" Kelly started to say, only to be cut off by Kitty.

"Don't they like have to be male and female, I mean if it's like male and male or female and female then it doesn't really count right?" Kitty asked.

"Well-" Kelly started to say.

"Yo, can I have sex with a fly?" Todd asked.

"Ah've asked people why they play with their food, but ah've never had to ask people why they get horny with their food. Todd why do yah get horny with yah food?" Rogue asked him.

"I don't, I was just wondering if I could." Todd shrugged.

Everyone looked at Pietro who just said "He doesn't get much action."

"That, I can believe." Evan nodded.

"Would you people please just let me-"Kelly started to say, only to be cut off by Remy.

"Are you a virgin?" Remy asked him.

"Zhat vas blunt." Kurt said.

"Well are you a virgin oui or non." Remy asked again, Kelly's face getting red with anger.

"Yes I am a virgin, but what do-" Kelly started yelling.

"Den sit down, don't get up and shut up. Remy will teach de class about sex." Remy announced, pushing Kelly into one of the front seats.

"Well at least this'll be interestin'." Rogue scoffed.

"Now, garcons, filles and….senator whatever yoh name is." Remy started to lecture the class.

"Kelly, my name is senato-"

"Did I say dat yoh could talk, no I didn't, so shut up." Remy scowled, and added "Sex is when a homme and a femme get in bed together, naked. Then they start rubbing de-"

"Listen, I should be the one-" Kelly started to say, only to be silenced by Rogue, who tore off her glove and absorbed him.

"Rogue! The professor's going to ground you for like a month!" kitty yelled, running over to Kelly's unconcious form, while everyone who wasn't a mutant ran out of the classroom.

"So that add's up tah what…five years of being grounded?" Rogue asked.

"Actually five years and three months and a week, but that's like not the point!" Kitty yelled.

"Well ah'm sorry but he was annoying meh and ah had tah shut him up somehow." Rogue shrugged.

"Vell vhat do ve do vith him?" Kurt asked.

"I call his wallet yo!" Todd yelled.

"Dang it, I was going to do that." Fred muttered.

"Well you're too slow." Todd stuck out his giant tongue, only to be slapped in the back of the head by Lance and sent straight into a wall.

"No, your too slow." Pietro smirked.

Todd just groaned, and let Fred peel him off of the wall.

"Well, not to be a bummer, but what do we do with him?" Evan asked, pointing at Kelly.

"We could always give him to Pyro, he'd love to burn him." Remy suggested, earning him a whack in the head from Rogue.

"Or we could always burn you." Wanda suggested, glaring at Remy, who just hid behind Rogue.

"How about we stuff him in a locker?" Rogue suggested, moving away from Remy.

"That could like work." Kitty smiled.

"But whose locker, I know none of us want to get blamed for this." Pietro asked out loud.

"Well I think I know just zhe person." Kurt grinned evilly.

THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL

"So please, do not disturb the police anymore. Maximoff, Alvers, Darkholme, Smith, Wagner, Dukes, Daniels that means you five." the voice on the intercomm said.

"Seven yah idiot!" Rogue yelled at the intercom.

"Right, seven." the voice said.

The police were trying to find Kelly, who had mysteriously gone missing, after visiting the Bayville High school. Rogue, Kurt, Pietro, Lance, Evan and Kitty watched as the police walked Duncan down the stairs of the school.

His hands cuffed behind his back, and him screaming, and kicking the whole time. "I didn't do it, I swear I didn't!" Duncan yelled.

"Bye bye Duncan, put in a good word for me with the cops will you?" Pietro called after him.

Duncan turned around and glared at the group, "They did it! I swear it wasn't me!"

"Us, why we would nevah hurt a fly." Rogue feigned mock hurt, right then Toad ate a fly, and Lance kicked him.

"Yeah right, how are they supposed to get him into your locker? I doubt any of them can pick a lock." the police officer scoffed, hauling Duncan into a police car and driving off.

"Well that was interesting, same thing tomorrow?" Evan asked.

**Authors Note**

Yes that was pointless. And yes it was dumb. And no Kelly isn't dead. I know how sad.


End file.
